Yes, I AM Lonely

I'm lonely. I love my husband, my son, my parents, and even the few friends I might have scattered around. But I never feel like I really ever connect with anyone but my family. I feel like the rest of the world is like in another dimension slightly offset from mine, and all I can do is look over at them and watch and wonder what it would be like to be part of the party.

I've always felt like that, I think, except for a brief time when I had two really close friends. Then I moved away. In a lot of ways, that move was good for me -- it got me away from a place that I really didn't fit in. It let me re-make myself as a different person. But I did lose my friends and I never really made friends that close again. It's easier to open up about all your deep dark weird secrets with people you've known as you've grown. It's harder to see another grown up and talk about all that crazy weird stuff we all have inside of us.

The internet does help. I've been either on here or on BBSes since I was 12. That's 16 years of talking to people online! You can let out more secrets about yourself, because you can get away from the situation if it blows up on you in ways that you can't get away from a co-worker or your neighbor or someone in town.

You can be anonymous, to an extent. I mean, if anyone who knows me saw this blog, I think jsut the description of me would be enough for them to guess who I am. So this is really scary for me to put it all out there. But I guess I just hope that finally letting everything out will help me either feel better, or maybe even help me find someone who can accept me for who I am and be a friend.

It's easier to let it all hang out and see if anyone likes it, and then tell them who you are. Hell, that's how I met my husband, on a BBS, all those years ago.

I Hate Being a Working Mom

I do. I hate dropping him off to be with someone else all day long during his "good hours". I hate that I don't get to do the silly art projects with him. I hate that I finally have a job coding, but I don't even want to do it, because I miss the little guy so much.

But I can't bring myself to move away from this communistic state, because I like having mountains and a beach within easy reach. And farmer's markets with incredible food. And restaurants from every country and culture I can think of. And my parents. Probably that last one the most.

I'm not sure I can stomach the idea of ripping up my new roots here (I've only been here 6 years, but that's just about as long as I've ever lived in any particular state) and trying to move to a totally new place, to be a stay at home mom, give up work, give up coding, and now even have the support of my parents to fall back on. It just sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Plus, well, they're getting older. I want to be here for them like they were always there for me. I want to spend time with them now that I'm an adult. I get along with them so well, and, frankly, they are my best friends (well, them and my husband). No one else in the world understands me, at all, other than my family it seems. So I need them, or I'll be even more lonely.

This Really IS Hard Work

Okay, blogging is really quite a difficult thing, isn't it? I mean, especially starting out, you're basically talking to yourself without knowing if anyone is reading or what they want to hear about, or if you even care if they like it.

I have trouble writing in detail about things that I can just talk out with myself in my head. It seems a bit redundant, you know? Why write down what I'm thinking when I already thought it?

But I have another idea that might help me learn ot write things down -- I can consider this sort of a log of how I feel about things. Politics, parenting, whatever. Then, in the future, I can look back and laugh hysterically about how ignorant I was. Am. Whatever!

So here I go, to try doing this again. Not for you, but for me!

Good Luck to me!