Thursday, August 18, 2005

Yes, I AM Lonely

I'm lonely. I love my husband, my son, my parents, and even the few friends I might have scattered around. But I never feel like I really ever connect with anyone but my family. I feel like the rest of the world is like in another dimension slightly offset from mine, and all I can do is look over at them and watch and wonder what it would be like to be part of the party.

I've always felt like that, I think, except for a brief time when I had two really close friends. Then I moved away. In a lot of ways, that move was good for me -- it got me away from a place that I really didn't fit in. It let me re-make myself as a different person. But I did lose my friends and I never really made friends that close again. It's easier to open up about all your deep dark weird secrets with people you've known as you've grown. It's harder to see another grown up and talk about all that crazy weird stuff we all have inside of us.

The internet does help. I've been either on here or on BBSes since I was 12. That's 16 years of talking to people online! You can let out more secrets about yourself, because you can get away from the situation if it blows up on you in ways that you can't get away from a co-worker or your neighbor or someone in town.

You can be anonymous, to an extent. I mean, if anyone who knows me saw this blog, I think jsut the description of me would be enough for them to guess who I am. So this is really scary for me to put it all out there. But I guess I just hope that finally letting everything out will help me either feel better, or maybe even help me find someone who can accept me for who I am and be a friend.

It's easier to let it all hang out and see if anyone likes it, and then tell them who you are. Hell, that's how I met my husband, on a BBS, all those years ago.

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